An open letter to my ex

I’m writing this open letter to explain to the world the end of our relationship, which started after what can only be described as a fateful event in early spring 2017, in the most modern fashion of all romantic stories, a cut and paste online introductory message where the name of the intended recipient was incorrect.

An event that seemed to unleash a tornado which was unstoppable, leading to the most amazing transformation for both of us, but unbeknownst to me at the time, also leaving some devastation in its path.

What followed was a passionate romance, with many obstacles along the way which were turned to ashes with the heat of our love. No obstacle ever felt insurmountable.

This romance burnt brightly for far longer than expected and in an unconventional way, which surprised many and made us feel proud of what we had achieved. Our lives became ever tightly enmeshed, and as in every imperfectly beautiful relationship we forgot to stoke the embers and slowly the fire started to go out.

This letter would be far longer if I felt strong enough in my emotions to describe every magical moment that we shared in the intervening 89 months of our shared lives. It would also be too bitter a read if I recounted the many angry, sad, disappointing moments which we experienced together.

So I will not do that here, even though we’ve tried together to do that in what I consider the most mature way to end a relationship, I also believe that I cannot be the keeper of your secrets, my broken heart does not have the strength right now to hold all of my anger, sadness, humiliation, disappointment, as well as the burden of the pain, hurt and wounding your actions and behaviours are causing me.

I had hoped that we might have penned this goodbye letter together, however reality hit me really hard after what I’ve understood to be the last conversation about our relationship, you checked out of our relationship a long time ago, without granting me the grace, respect, and compassion that I deserved.

I have had to absorb, process, understand and endure many (drip-fed) facts in a very short space of time, in comparison to your extended period of exploration in the pursuit of your happiness to the detriment of mine. I was blindsided.

And in the bewildering confusion I felt after being hit by a tsunami, and whilst trying to come up for air, as well as frantically searching for solid ground on which to plant my feet, I hadn’t grasped that you have already moved on to a new relationship which offers the exciting prospect of new adventures, the thrill of new discoveries, the possibility of re-writing and refreshing your future.

I hadn’t understood that I cannot compete with the heat and energy of new love (if that’s what you are feeling right now).

This is not revenge; as you well know I have tried hard, and I believed I was succeeding, to conduct our breakup with compassion, love and empathy, I wanted to afford you the grace that I believed you deserved after having shared what most people believed, and I believed, to be a relationship that would be forever.

The truth is that you did not grant me the same grace and respect, and did not hold me in the same regard as I did. By making me part of a triangle without my knowledge you surrendered all entitlement to be treated with respect and dignity.

So I’m sharing my ire with the world, just as Shakespeare said  “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”

I will not be the bearer of your shame, I will not carry this pain alone, because I fear if I do so, my soul will slowly start to die. And I do not deserve to not live.

Before we met I felt powerful, invincible and alive, you came into my life and amplified me.

In the last three weeks I have been dragged through the fresh coals of hell. I say it is enough, and I need the world with its compassion and kindness to help me start healing the burns, provide me with the balm I will need so my scars are not too severe, and to hold me gently until I can feel alive again.