Breaking Free: When Vulnerability Becomes Strength
Unraveling the Threads of Perfectionism
I have been struggling for a few days with what to write this week, there are several themes running through my head, lots of ideas jotted in my journal, however they are mixed up in the healing process from my recent, and very painful, break up. Doubts creep up as to whether I should be dedicating so much time and energy to analysing my ex, his behaviour and the emotional impact it has had on me. Is this healthy? Am I being melodramatic? Or is this normal?
This is an uncomfortable confession to make but one that I must speak out aloud or else it stays trapped inside me festering and feeding the little monster that hides in the darkness.
I am sure you have also encountered this monster, it’s better known as shame, which for me lurks in the recesses of my mind, spreading its tendrils, attempting to sabotage my creative endeavours. Shame shows up in ways that are unexpected, I can write freely in my journal and in the moment it feels right, as if the pieces are complete in context, content and narrative, however as soon as I make a decision to share a niggling and critical voice intervenes, questioning my motives for wanting to share my writing, wondering whether people who know me will read it and form and unflattering opinion of me and the way I handle life in general.
It might surprise some to learn this but I have only understood in this late stage of my life that shame is very good friends with perfectionism and both thrive on false feelings of inadequacy. Deeply rooted in childhood conditioning, they work hand in hand as wicked allies, speaking in tongues in which I am not fluent, which only serve to confuse, pervert and subvert any expression of needs, desires or preferences which are deemed as superficial, or symptoms of self-absorbtion and self-importance.
The one thing shame and perfectionism cannot withstand is exposure to light. Naming them has the power to wither their grip, like sunlight dissolving shadows. These formidable internal wrestlers will fight tenaciously to maintain their hold, persistently attempting to erode my confidence. Yet, I have learned that resilience is my most potent weapon. By courageously unmasking shame and perfectionism, I transform them into dust, liberating my creative spirit to connect vulnerably with the world - embracing my imperfect, authentic self.
And when I finally expose these flaws of mine, I do so in the hope that I will encounter kind human beings who will offer caring words and extend compassionate hands.
In seeking compassionate understanding, I revisited a poem from September 2017 that has remained hidden in my journal. Fear of judgment kept it concealed, preventing its potential to resonate with others. When I wrote it, I was experiencing the unexpected tenderness of new love, a profound emotional awakening after profound loss. My husband's death had left me believing deep connection was impossible, yet here I was, feeling emotions I never anticipated. Now, years later, the poem's essence still vibrates within my soul. Though the circumstances and people have transformed dramatically, the emotional truth remains unchanged. It is time to release this piece, to let it breathe beyond the confines of my private pages.
Shame, perfectionism and inadequacy cannot hold onto it anymore.
These hands
These hands have thrown a ball Swam in the sea learnt to grip Firmly whilst climbing trees These hands have known The softness of silk They have crawled Played with dolls Made friendships These hands have held Their own babes Softly, caring Comforting Wiping tears, mucky faces Doing up Those shoe laces These hands have toiled Made beds Grafted, cooked, plastered Painted These hands have touched The smiling, wrinkled faces Of loved ones In far away places These hands have learnt The art of caressing Discovering Undressing These hands held the promise Of having, holding Loving, caring Forsaking all others Till death did its bidding These hands will hold Your heart Carefully Nurture it Without oppressing Trust these hands, their love is unending
I challenge you to take one brave step towards dismantling your own inner barriers. Choose vulnerability over perfection.
Write down one fear that has been holding you back, one insecurity that whispers lies about your worth. Then, find the courage to share it - in the comments, with a trusted friend, or in a journal. Remember, when we expose our shadows, we rob them of their power. Your imperfections are not weaknesses, but the very threads that weave the unique tapestry of your humanity. By naming our struggles, we transform shame into connection, and vulnerability into our most profound strength.
Lovely poem!